Worried about a friend who has been acting differently

Your Concern:

My best friend was awesome last year, we were really close and always on the same page. However, this year she has suffered from depression – at least, I think she has. That is what she told me, and I have tried to be supportive although i think it may just be an excuse because she cannot be bothered anymore. She has done several things that worry me. She has stopped coming to school, she comes only a couple of days a week, if that. She has stopped caring about her schoolwork. She has also started smoking marijuana an openly binge drinking. At first I didn’t object to this because I thought it was just her trying to expand her life experience, but it has become more and more regular and now she’s often telling me about her crazy weekends with her new and much older group of friends. She tells me that she intends to drop out of school soon. She also told me that she has recently shoplifted. I don’t want to tell her what she is doing is wrong, because she will think I am being self-righteous and prudish. However, I don’t know how to help, and the more she retreats from me the more I realise that I don’t really care. The problem is that I can see her life being ruined when the truth is she is a good person and very smart and she could do very well if she could just be bothered. What should I do??!

Jerry’s Response:

We all have to learn our own lessons and your friend will have to learn hers. From what you have said, when she says that she is “depressed”, it is likely that she means that she is unhappy with her life and wants a change. It sounds like she is getting that change. We all watch others – family, friends and acquaintences – making choices that we wouldn’t make ourselves and that we don’t think they should make. The reality is that the best thing you can do for your friend is to tell her that you care for her. Making suggestions will probably not be productive and making her feel like you are passing judgment on her will only make her angry and drive her away. Tell her how you feel and that you are there for her. In the end, being a friend is all you can do.

I hope that both you and your friend find what you need in life.