Siblings who don’t get along

Your Concern:

Hi Jerry

Nice site, and a great way to ask advice from an expert.

My daughter is experiencing some adjustment issues with a new and slightly older sister. They both have strong personalities and are always arguing. Our first daughter gets really angry with her sister and says she wishes she wasn’t here. Even talking about wanting to live outside our family.

It is causing great distress for us all. What should we do?

[Anon]

Jerry’s Response:

Before I mention counselling for the whole family, which I think would be a good idea, I think it is important to consider some of the possible issues that having a new and older sibling would cause for your first daughter. In my work with kids (and my own experience) childhood can be a very scary time. Children have little control over their own lives and are completely dependent upon adults to make the best decisions for them. I would imagine that adopting a second child would bring a great deal of instability to the life of your first child. There would be less attention from her parents (which is understandable from an adult perspective), there would be another person who has a right to her parent’s affection and there would no doubt be issues of jealousy – a very natural response, under the circumstances. Also, although you haven’t stated such, I would guess that this conflict would cause a great deal of distress on your new daughter, who is herself attempting to become part of your family.

First, I would say that your first daughter needs several things, including assurance that you still love her, an understanding of how her new sibling affects her own place in the family and time to make this adjustment. Sitting down with your first daughter and telling her how much she means to you and discussing her needs and fears is a good start.

Second, I would strongly advise family counselling. A few private counselling sessions for your first daughter is a good idea, to allow her to begin to share her feelings, but I would strongly urge you to go to several sessions as a family. This will allow everyone in the family to express their views and needs and will help you all to make the huge adjustment of adding another person to the family.

You are obviously a person who showed a great deal of compassion for a girl who needed a family and a parent who deeply loves your children. I admire your devotion to your family.

I hope your family becomes closer through this experience.

Jerry