Siblings who don’t get along
Your Concern:
Hi Jerry
Nice site, and a great way to ask advice from an expert.
My daughter is experiencing some adjustment issues with a new and slightly older sister. They both have strong personalities and are always arguing. Our first daughter gets really angry with her sister and says she wishes she wasn’t here. Even talking about wanting to live outside our family.
It is causing great distress for us all. What should we do?
[Anon]
Jerry’s Response:
Before I mention counselling for the whole family, which I think would be a good idea, I think it is important to consider some of the possible issues that having a new and older sibling would cause for your first daughter. In my work with kids (and my own experience) childhood can be a very scary time. Children have little control over their own lives and are completely dependent upon adults to make the best decisions for them. I would imagine that adopting a second child would bring a great deal of instability to the life of your first child. There would be less attention from her parents (which is understandable from an adult perspective), there would be another person who has a right to her parent’s affection and there would no doubt be issues of jealousy – a very natural response, under the circumstances. Also, although you haven’t stated such, I would guess that this conflict would cause a great deal of distress on your new daughter, who is herself attempting to become part of your family.
First, I would say that your first daughter needs several things, including assurance that you still love her, an understanding of how her new sibling affects her own place in the family and time to make this adjustment. Sitting down with your first daughter and telling her how much she means to you and discussing her needs and fears is a good start.
Second, I would strongly advise family counselling. A few private counselling sessions for your first daughter is a good idea, to allow her to begin to share her feelings, but I would strongly urge you to go to several sessions as a family. This will allow everyone in the family to express their views and needs and will help you all to make the huge adjustment of adding another person to the family.
You are obviously a person who showed a great deal of compassion for a girl who needed a family and a parent who deeply loves your children. I admire your devotion to your family.
I hope your family becomes closer through this experience.
Jerry
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry,
I have been happily married for many years and my wife and I are deeply in love. We still find each other “sexy” and have a relatively good sex life – if somewhat routine. I was a bit wild when younger and had many quite outrageous sexual experiences before settling down with my wife. I would like to spice up love life but my wife says that I satisfy her with how I “perform” now and she doesn’t need anything more. I would like more! I have fantasies about anal sex with my wife or about my wife and I inviting one of her friends to join us for a threesome (my wife has some very sexy friends). How do I reconcile my wife’s contentment with my restlessness (sexually). I am happy with our marriage and would never be unfaithful to my wife (even in my fantasies my wife has to OK me being with another woman). Help me!
[Anon]
Jerry’s Response:
You sound like a very loving and thoughtful husband, who has sought to meet his wife’s needs and who is trying to balance his own desires with what is best for his relationship. Your desire for “more” is very normal – many men find themselves in the same situation, when they are within a loving and happy relationship.
When you mention more, though, I notice that you mention having more within your relationship with your wife (wanting anal sex) and that you also mention having more which involves other sexual partners. If you want more with your wife, I would recommend approaching her with these needs. Whether you do this by sitting down with her and telling her your desires or perhaps you plan a romantic getaway where you introduce new ideas for your sex life, you should find a way to share with her the things you want sexually. Your wife is satisfied and you should feel that you are able to share with her the things that will make you more satisified too.
The other matter of possibly introducing more partners into your sex life with your wife is more complex. Some couples can set aside jealous emotions and experience such, but many relationships cannot survive sharing intimacy with others. You have to ask yourself if having these additional partners is worth the risk of losing your wife. If you answer “yes”, you have the option of introducing this idea to your wife. If you answer “no”, perhaps this is something that will need to remain a fantasy.
Always cherish what you have and consider the consequences, before you go searching for new excitement.
Jerry
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry
I want to have kids but my partner doesn’t. When we were dating he said that he wanted a family but now he refuses to even consider the idea. We have been together five years and if he doesn’t want kids I think I should start looking for another man. What do you think?
Susan
Jerry’s Response:
Whether or not you should leave him to look for another partner depends on whether being with him or having a child is more important to you. I would first try to ascertain why he doesn’t want a child now, when he said that he did before. Has something changed in his life to make him not want a child now, or did he never really want one, but simply said he did because this is what he thought you wanted to hear? I would share my confusion about his change of heart and if he wants to discuss this with you, great. If he is unable to discuss this with you, perhaps getting couples counseling would help. In the end, if you feel that he doesn’t really want a child, there is no sense in trying to change his mind. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things in the world. but also one of the most challenging. Trying to push fatherhood on someone who doesn’t want it is not only not fair to the potential father, but it is very unfair to any children who are born from such circumstances (and in the long-term, not very good for you, either). If you truly want a child, you will have to make a choice between your current partner and being a parent. What choice does your heart tell you would be right for you?
I wish you the determination to make the choice that is best for you and the peace to live with your decision.
Jerry
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How do I know that my wife loves me
Your Concern:
Jerry,
I recently got sick and was afraid that I would die. I was terrified. I was also shocked that my wife didn’t seem more concerned. She told me that she cared, but I couldn’t believe it because I didn’t see her crying. She says that she was trying to be positive and strong for me but I don’t know what to believe. How can I be sure that the woman I married really loves me?
Thanks,
David
Jerry’s Response:
David,
People react to fear in different ways. Some people become more emotional, some people shut down emotionally, some people look for ways to distract themselves, etc. It is impossible for me to tell you if your wife loves you, or even of a way to prove her love to you. I would say, though, that she deserves to know of your doubts. If she no longer loves you, this would give you the chance to approach her with your feelings and get a response. If she loves you, but was in a state of shock during your illness, this gives her a chance to declare her continuing love to you. In the end, not knowing can be the worst thing. If you have had a loving relationship, don’t you think she deserves the chance to speak for herself? The only way you will ever have any peace about your question is to approach her directly.
If communication attempts fail, or you are still unsure, it might be a good idea to see if your wife will go to therapy with you. Having the chance to talk openly, with someone trained to help couples through issues like this, could be invaluable.
I wish you and your wife all the happiness you deserve.
Jerry
I have the right to say anything I want
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry,
I seem to have difficultly keeping friends and I want you to tell me that I have acted right and that they are wrong! I have had several friends start to ignore me recently and some people have unfriended me in Facebook. I had a fight with a friend, where I told him exactly what I thought of him and then I found the police at my door talking about restraining orders. I think this friend also told others because now most of my Facebook friends have disappeared. I have the right to say whatever I want. Tell me that I wasn’t wrong.
Adam
Jerry’s Response:
Yes, you have a “right” to say whatever you want, as long as it isn’t illegal (e.g. threats of violence), but life involves more than just legal rights. You may have a legal right to do something (you won’t be arrested for doing it), but does that mean that it is “right” for you to do this thing? I may have a right to insult my family and friends, but I won’t end up with anyone close to me, if I do so. Building and maintaining relationships requires effort, consideration, understanding, kindness and thoughtfulness. Yes, you should have friends who can listen to your innermost feelings, but that doesn’t mean that these friends should be an emotional punching bag, either.
It sounds like taking satisfaction in your “rights” isn’t enough, if it means that you enjoy that satisfaction alone. Perhaps you could try to consider the needs of others, rather than desiring that others validate your own need to be “right”. Also, it might be worth considering professional help for possible anger management issues.
I hope you find the peace and friendships you desire.
Jerry
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry
I am worried about my girlfriend. She has recently joined a gym and bought lots of gym clothes. She talks a lot about her gym instructor and she has been coming home very late at night. She is starting to lose weight and looks better than she has in years. When I ask her about why she is coming home so late at night she gets very angry and says terrible things to me. She has been very rude and said a lot of things to hurt me. When I ask her if anything is going on with her instructor she goes crazy. I have never seen her like this. Is she fooling around? What should I do?
Jake
Jerry’s Response:
Whether or not she is “fooling around”, her recent rudeness suggests that there is a significant issue in your relationship. You have had the strength to approach her with your fears and you are to be commended for trying to deal with your concerns openly. Sometimes, though, a couple will need help from others to work through relationship issues and if your girlfriend is unwilling to talk with you, perhaps it is time to think of getting professional relationship help. Rather than approaching her directly again about her actions – as this might make her defensive and lead to more rude behaviour – I would recommend telling her how you feel for her, that you love her and that you want her to be happy. Once you have told her how much you love her, she might be in a more receptive place where you can mention possibilities for outside help.
Not knowing can be a terrible burden in itself. I hope you find some peace.
Jerry
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