Dear Jerry,

I seem to have difficultly keeping friends and I want you to tell me that I have acted right and that they are wrong! I have had several friends start to ignore me recently and some people have unfriended me in Facebook. I had a fight with a friend, where I told him exactly what I thought of him and then I found the police at my door talking about restraining orders. I think this friend also told others because now most of my Facebook friends have disappeared. I have the right to say whatever I want. Tell me that I wasn’t wrong.

Adam

Jerry’s Response:

Yes, you have a “right” to say whatever you want, as long as it isn’t illegal (e.g. threats of violence), but life involves more than just legal rights. You may have a legal right to do something (you won’t be arrested for doing it), but does that mean that it is “right” for you to do this thing? I may have a right to insult my family and friends, but I won’t end up with anyone close to me, if I do so. Building and maintaining relationships requires effort, consideration, understanding, kindness and thoughtfulness. Yes, you should have friends who can listen to your innermost feelings, but that doesn’t mean that these friends should be an emotional punching bag, either.

It sounds like taking satisfaction in your “rights” isn’t enough, if it means that you enjoy that satisfaction alone. Perhaps you could try to consider the needs of others, rather than desiring that others validate your own need to be “right”. Also, it might be worth considering professional help for possible anger management issues.

I hope you find the peace and friendships you desire.

Jerry