Dear Jerry,

I work with a lady who is currently pregnant and is susceptible to high blood pressure. More often than not I have to endure the moodiness that revolves her world. She is snarky towards the manager whom had put up with her attitude. She is often butting in with the discussion between me and other co-workers creating frustrations more often than not. When approached about her attitude she acts *victimized*. So whats the best way to handle such a person? PS The Manager had spoken to her about her to cooperate with us but it doesn’t seem to work very well so far.

Jerry’s Response:

As a person who has had to deal with a pregnant woman as life partner and as a business colleague, the best advice I can give is to give her a wide berth. You won’t win any points with the boss complaining about it and you won’t win any discussions with this person. Her body is putting her through a lot and the best you can do is provide as much understanding as possible (and stay out of her way when she seems especially moody).

Look at the bright side, if she is normally a decent person to work with, maybe she will go back to her old ways in a few months. Well, maybe not, if she has to go through sleep deprivation with a newborn.

Hoping that she has a happy and healthy baby and that you have the patience you need to cope with her as a coworker during this diffcult time!

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

My biological clock is telling me it’s time to start a family (I’m 35) but my partner keeps saying he is not ready.  We are both in good jobs so we have the accumulated resources to finance time spent in child-rearing.  Should I just get pregnant without telling him and claim it’s an ‘accident’ or keep insisting.  Time is running out. What do I do?

Jerry’s Response:

The first thing that comes to mind as I read about your concern is the question of whether your partner wants to have a child with you, but is just worried about something (finances, his ability to be a good father, etc) or if your partner doesn’t want to have kids at all. If your partner doesn’t want to have kids at all and you really do want kids, then I would suggest finding this out and then packing your bags. On the other hand, if your partner is worried about what kind of dad he will be, whether his job will be secure enough for him to help pay for another mouth to feed or similar concerns, then these are things that the two of you can sit down together and discuss. It seems that the big issue at the moment is what he really wants and you won’t know what he wants, if you don’t sit down and have a serious talk. Sit him down and get some answers that you are satisfied with. As far as getting pregnant and claiming it is an “accident”, do you want a relationship with your partner that is built on such deception? Do you want to bring a child into the world who may not be wanted by its father? You need to have a serious discussion with your partner and if you can’t seem to get the answers you need from him, maybe the two of you could visit a counsellor.

I hope you have the chance to be a mother with a partner who shares your excitement for parenthood.

I have a problem. My first wife and I had 4 kids and 3 miscarriages. After we had our final child – all boys – we decided that we would not try for anymore. My wife did not want to have surgery so I agreed to have a vasectomy. At the time this was not a problem as I was happily married and planned to stay that way. Turns out my wife had other ideas and a couple of years later started to have an affair which eventually lead to her taking the kids and moving out. I took some time to recover from this but have now met a wonderful new lady and we have been together for about a year and a half. She is younger than I am and has started to talk about having a family of our own – she has no children but wants 2 or 3. The problem is my vasectomy – she does not know I have had the “snip” and I am afraid to tell her after all this time. What should I do??

Jerry’s Response:

The first question I had as I read your question – and most likely the first question your partner will have – is “Why didn’t you tell her before now about your vasectomy?” My guess is that she is going to be quite upset not only that you have had this procedure, but that you haven’t told her about it already. Most couples discuss during dating whether or not they want children. You have no real choice but to tell her and you really should do so as soon as possible. You also need to consider whether you would want to try for a reversal of your vasectomy, whether you want more kids, etc. The first issue, though, is to tell her and see how she copes with this news. Your keeping this information from your partner could create serious trust issues and even if she seems willing to forgive and stay together, I would make sure that the two of you have dealt with any resentment over this, before thinking of the possibility of a reversal of your vasectomy and having kids together. She has every right to be upset and if you want to stay with her, you are going to have to deal with whatever emotional damage your keeping this information from her will cause.

Hi Jerry,

help me please!! My wife says she is going to leave me if I do not get rid of my pet pot-bellied pig (Alice). She says she is sick of it always getting in the way and coming between us. This just isn’t true, I have already made compromises with her and now Alice sleeps on the floor and not in the bed with us on Friday and Saturday nights. I even feed her on the floor in the kitchen now instead of at the table with us. I mean what more does my wife want from me. Alice is a simple little soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly. She just loves company and is a great companion. My wife doesn’t seem to understand as she works quite a bit and is away from the house at least 6 days a week from about 6am to about 7pm. As for me I am at home all day everyday as I got laid off from my job at the local supermarket two years ago (last August) and haven’t been able to face the fear of trying to get another job since. Alice understands me and keeps me company. help me please jerry, you are my only hope.

Jerry’s Response:

Alice can’t remain a substitute for human companionship and your other needs for long. I would recommend having a big fry-up for breakfast tomorrow, with a big side of bacon, courtesy of Alice. Clean up your house, kiss your wife, plan a weekend away with your wife, go look for another job and try to find other ways to fill the gap in your life in which you have placed a pig.

Enjoy the bacon and good luck!

Dear Jerry,

I have been happily married for many years and my wife and I are deeply in love. We still find each other “sexy” and have a relatively good sex life – if somewhat routine. I was a bit wild when younger and had many quite outrageous sexual experiences before settling down with my wife. I would like to spice up love life but my wife says that I satisfy her with how I “perform” now and she doesn’t need anything more. I would like more! I have fantasies about anal sex with my wife or about my wife and I inviting one of her friends to join us for a threesome (my wife has some very sexy friends). How do I reconcile my wife’s contentment with my restlessness (sexually). I am happy with our marriage and would never be unfaithful to my wife (even in my fantasies my wife has to OK me being with another woman). Help me!

[Anon]

Jerry’s Response:

You sound like a very loving and thoughtful husband, who has sought to meet his wife’s needs and who is trying to balance his own desires with what is best for his relationship. Your desire for “more” is very normal – many men find themselves in the same situation, when they are within a loving and happy relationship.

When you mention more, though, I notice that you mention having more within your relationship with your wife (wanting anal sex) and that you also mention having more which involves other sexual partners. If you want more with your wife, I would recommend approaching her with these needs. Whether you do this by sitting down with her and telling her your desires or perhaps you plan a romantic getaway where you introduce new ideas for your sex life,  you should find a way to share with her the things you want sexually. Your wife is satisfied and you should feel that you are able to share with her the things that will make you more satisified too.

The other matter of possibly introducing more partners into your sex life with your wife is more complex. Some couples can set aside jealous emotions and experience such, but many relationships cannot survive sharing intimacy with others. You have to ask yourself if having these additional partners is worth the risk of losing your wife. If you answer “yes”, you have the option of introducing this idea to your wife. If you answer “no”, perhaps this is something that will need to remain a fantasy.

Always cherish what you have and consider the consequences, before you go searching for new excitement.

Jerry

Dear Jerry

I want to have kids but my partner doesn’t. When we were dating he said that he wanted a family but now he refuses to even consider the idea. We have been together five years and if he doesn’t want kids I think I should start looking for another man. What do you think?

Susan

Jerry’s Response:

Whether or not you should leave him to look for another partner depends on whether being with him or having a child is more important to you. I would first try to ascertain why he doesn’t want a child now, when he said that he did before. Has something changed in his life to make him not want a child now, or did he never really want one, but simply said he did because this is what he thought you wanted to hear? I would share my confusion about his change of heart and if he wants to discuss this with you, great. If he is unable to discuss this with you, perhaps getting couples counseling would help. In the end, if you feel that he doesn’t really want a child, there is no sense in trying to change his mind. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things in the world. but also one of the most challenging. Trying to push fatherhood on someone who doesn’t want it is not only not fair to the potential father, but it is very unfair to any children who are born from such circumstances (and in the long-term, not very good for you, either). If you truly want a child, you will have to make a choice between your current partner and being a parent. What choice does your heart tell you would be right for you?

I wish you the determination to make the choice that is best for you and the peace to live with your decision.

Jerry

Jerry,

I recently got sick and was afraid that I would die. I was terrified. I was also shocked that my wife didn’t seem more concerned. She told me that she cared, but I couldn’t believe it because I didn’t see her crying. She says that she was trying to be positive and strong for me but I don’t know what to believe. How can I be sure that the woman I married really loves me?

Thanks,

David

Jerry’s Response:

David,

People react to fear in different ways. Some people become more emotional, some people shut down emotionally, some people look for ways to distract themselves, etc. It is impossible for me to tell you if your wife loves you, or even of a way to prove her love to you. I would say, though, that she deserves to know of your doubts. If she no longer loves you, this would give you the chance to approach her with your feelings and get a response. If she loves you, but was in a state of shock during your illness, this gives her a chance to declare her continuing love to you. In the end, not knowing can be the worst thing. If you have had a loving relationship, don’t you think she deserves the chance to speak for herself? The only way you will ever have any peace about your question is to approach her directly.

If communication attempts fail, or you are still unsure, it might be a good idea to see if your wife will go to therapy with you. Having the chance to talk openly, with someone trained to help couples through issues like this, could be invaluable.

I wish you and your wife all the happiness you deserve.

Jerry

Dear Jerry

I am worried about my girlfriend. She has recently joined a gym and bought lots of gym clothes. She talks a lot about her gym instructor and she has been coming home very late at night. She is starting to lose weight and looks better than she has in years. When I ask her about why she is coming home so late at night she gets very angry and says terrible things to me. She has been very rude and said a lot of things to hurt me. When I ask her if anything is going on with her instructor she goes crazy. I have never seen her like this. Is she fooling around? What should I do?

Jake

Jerry’s Response:

Whether or not she is “fooling around”, her recent rudeness suggests that there is a significant issue in your relationship. You have had the strength to approach her with your fears and you are to be commended for trying to deal with your concerns openly. Sometimes, though, a couple will need help from others to work through relationship issues and if your girlfriend is unwilling to talk with you, perhaps it is time to think of getting professional relationship help. Rather than approaching her directly again about her actions – as this might make her defensive and lead to more rude behaviour – I would recommend telling her how you feel for her, that you love her and that you want her to be happy. Once you have told her how much you love her, she might be in a more receptive place where you can mention possibilities for outside help.

Not knowing can be a terrible burden in itself. I hope you find some peace.

Jerry