My parents want me to go to university but I want to spend a few years traveling the world. They think that if I don’t start now, it will be more difficult for me to start my studies later. I think I can start studying anytime and I want to travel while I am young and can enjoy it. They are threatening to cut off all money to me. They are so selfish!

[Anon]

Jerry’s Response:

If you want to travel the world instead of continuing your education, then you should expect to have to pay your way yourself. Why shouldn’t your parents “cut off all money” to you? Get a job and finance your own dreams.

You should consider yourself lucky that your parents are encouraging you to go to college and that they are willing to help finance this. Many people aren’t fortunate enough to have such support.

Pick yourself up out of the self-pity you are wallowing in and either get a job to save for your travels or sign yourself up for university. Also, it might seem like you are “young” now and won’t be young enough to enjoy your travels when you finish university. but nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, you will be better able to appreciate what you see in this big and beautiful world, after you have filled your head with history, literature, languages, cultural studies, etc.

Your parents are not selfish, you are. Now go pack your bags for college.

Jerry

Hi Jerry

Nice site, and a great way to ask advice from an expert.

My daughter is experiencing some adjustment issues with a new and slightly older sister. They both have strong personalities and are always arguing. Our first daughter gets really angry with her sister and says she wishes she wasn’t here. Even talking about wanting to live outside our family.

It is causing great distress for us all. What should we do?

[Anon]

Jerry’s Response:

Before I mention counselling for the whole family, which I think would be a good idea, I think it is important to consider some of the possible issues that having a new and older sibling would cause for your first daughter. In my work with kids (and my own experience) childhood can be a very scary time. Children have little control over their own lives and are completely dependent upon adults to make the best decisions for them. I would imagine that adopting a second child would bring a great deal of instability to the life of your first child. There would be less attention from her parents (which is understandable from an adult perspective), there would be another person who has a right to her parent’s affection and there would no doubt be issues of jealousy – a very natural response, under the circumstances. Also, although you haven’t stated such, I would guess that this conflict would cause a great deal of distress on your new daughter, who is herself attempting to become part of your family.

First, I would say that your first daughter needs several things, including assurance that you still love her, an understanding of how her new sibling affects her own place in the family and time to make this adjustment. Sitting down with your first daughter and telling her how much she means to you and discussing her needs and fears is a good start.

Second, I would strongly advise family counselling. A few private counselling sessions for your first daughter is a good idea, to allow her to begin to share her feelings, but I would strongly urge you to go to several sessions as a family. This will allow everyone in the family to express their views and needs and will help you all to make the huge adjustment of adding another person to the family.

You are obviously a person who showed a great deal of compassion for a girl who needed a family and a parent who deeply loves your children. I admire your devotion to your family.

I hope your family becomes closer through this experience.

Jerry

Dear Jerry

I want to have kids but my partner doesn’t. When we were dating he said that he wanted a family but now he refuses to even consider the idea. We have been together five years and if he doesn’t want kids I think I should start looking for another man. What do you think?

Susan

Jerry’s Response:

Whether or not you should leave him to look for another partner depends on whether being with him or having a child is more important to you. I would first try to ascertain why he doesn’t want a child now, when he said that he did before. Has something changed in his life to make him not want a child now, or did he never really want one, but simply said he did because this is what he thought you wanted to hear? I would share my confusion about his change of heart and if he wants to discuss this with you, great. If he is unable to discuss this with you, perhaps getting couples counseling would help. In the end, if you feel that he doesn’t really want a child, there is no sense in trying to change his mind. Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things in the world. but also one of the most challenging. Trying to push fatherhood on someone who doesn’t want it is not only not fair to the potential father, but it is very unfair to any children who are born from such circumstances (and in the long-term, not very good for you, either). If you truly want a child, you will have to make a choice between your current partner and being a parent. What choice does your heart tell you would be right for you?

I wish you the determination to make the choice that is best for you and the peace to live with your decision.

Jerry