My best friend was awesome last year, we were really close and always on the same page. However, this year she has suffered from depression – at least, I think she has. That is what she told me, and I have tried to be supportive although i think it may just be an excuse because she cannot be bothered anymore. She has done several things that worry me. She has stopped coming to school, she comes only a couple of days a week, if that. She has stopped caring about her schoolwork. She has also started smoking marijuana an openly binge drinking. At first I didn’t object to this because I thought it was just her trying to expand her life experience, but it has become more and more regular and now she’s often telling me about her crazy weekends with her new and much older group of friends. She tells me that she intends to drop out of school soon. She also told me that she has recently shoplifted. I don’t want to tell her what she is doing is wrong, because she will think I am being self-righteous and prudish. However, I don’t know how to help, and the more she retreats from me the more I realise that I don’t really care. The problem is that I can see her life being ruined when the truth is she is a good person and very smart and she could do very well if she could just be bothered. What should I do??!

Jerry’s Response:

We all have to learn our own lessons and your friend will have to learn hers. From what you have said, when she says that she is “depressed”, it is likely that she means that she is unhappy with her life and wants a change. It sounds like she is getting that change. We all watch others – family, friends and acquaintences – making choices that we wouldn’t make ourselves and that we don’t think they should make. The reality is that the best thing you can do for your friend is to tell her that you care for her. Making suggestions will probably not be productive and making her feel like you are passing judgment on her will only make her angry and drive her away. Tell her how you feel and that you are there for her. In the end, being a friend is all you can do.

I hope that both you and your friend find what you need in life.

Dear Jerry,

I seem to have difficultly keeping friends and I want you to tell me that I have acted right and that they are wrong! I have had several friends start to ignore me recently and some people have unfriended me in Facebook. I had a fight with a friend, where I told him exactly what I thought of him and then I found the police at my door talking about restraining orders. I think this friend also told others because now most of my Facebook friends have disappeared. I have the right to say whatever I want. Tell me that I wasn’t wrong.

Adam

Jerry’s Response:

Yes, you have a “right” to say whatever you want, as long as it isn’t illegal (e.g. threats of violence), but life involves more than just legal rights. You may have a legal right to do something (you won’t be arrested for doing it), but does that mean that it is “right” for you to do this thing? I may have a right to insult my family and friends, but I won’t end up with anyone close to me, if I do so. Building and maintaining relationships requires effort, consideration, understanding, kindness and thoughtfulness. Yes, you should have friends who can listen to your innermost feelings, but that doesn’t mean that these friends should be an emotional punching bag, either.

It sounds like taking satisfaction in your “rights” isn’t enough, if it means that you enjoy that satisfaction alone. Perhaps you could try to consider the needs of others, rather than desiring that others validate your own need to be “right”. Also, it might be worth considering professional help for possible anger management issues.

I hope you find the peace and friendships you desire.

Jerry