If you are looking for Dan Savage’s syndicated advice column, you haven’t found it. Instead, you have found an online advice column that you can submit your own questions to, using our contact form, and your concern will be dealt with by our online columnist, Jerry Jordan.
Whether you are having a relationship breakup, a battle for the affections and custody of the kids, are dealing with issues of aging or any other matter that you want to discuss, you can contact us and get an answer. Who needs Dan Savage?
We also offer online counseling and you can get information by contacting us.
Our advice column in not found in newspapers, but is published entirely online. If you have questions relating to marriage and parenting, you can use our contact form to submit your questions. Whether you are new to married life, or have been part of a couple for many years, it is good to get another perspective. Maybe you have just found out that you are going to be parent and don’t know how to come to terms with this news, or you have found yourself a grandparent heavily involved in the lives of your grandchildren.
Share with us your concerns on this site or feel free to contact us if you would like to discuss online counseling assistance that we can provide.
Your Concern:
My best friend was awesome last year, we were really close and always on the same page. However, this year she has suffered from depression – at least, I think she has. That is what she told me, and I have tried to be supportive although i think it may just be an excuse because she cannot be bothered anymore. She has done several things that worry me. She has stopped coming to school, she comes only a couple of days a week, if that. She has stopped caring about her schoolwork. She has also started smoking marijuana an openly binge drinking. At first I didn’t object to this because I thought it was just her trying to expand her life experience, but it has become more and more regular and now she’s often telling me about her crazy weekends with her new and much older group of friends. She tells me that she intends to drop out of school soon. She also told me that she has recently shoplifted. I don’t want to tell her what she is doing is wrong, because she will think I am being self-righteous and prudish. However, I don’t know how to help, and the more she retreats from me the more I realise that I don’t really care. The problem is that I can see her life being ruined when the truth is she is a good person and very smart and she could do very well if she could just be bothered. What should I do??!
Jerry’s Response:
We all have to learn our own lessons and your friend will have to learn hers. From what you have said, when she says that she is “depressed”, it is likely that she means that she is unhappy with her life and wants a change. It sounds like she is getting that change. We all watch others – family, friends and acquaintences – making choices that we wouldn’t make ourselves and that we don’t think they should make. The reality is that the best thing you can do for your friend is to tell her that you care for her. Making suggestions will probably not be productive and making her feel like you are passing judgment on her will only make her angry and drive her away. Tell her how you feel and that you are there for her. In the end, being a friend is all you can do.
I hope that both you and your friend find what you need in life.
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry,
I work with a lady who is currently pregnant and is susceptible to high blood pressure. More often than not I have to endure the moodiness that revolves her world. She is snarky towards the manager whom had put up with her attitude. She is often butting in with the discussion between me and other co-workers creating frustrations more often than not. When approached about her attitude she acts *victimized*. So whats the best way to handle such a person? PS The Manager had spoken to her about her to cooperate with us but it doesn’t seem to work very well so far.
Jerry’s Response:
As a person who has had to deal with a pregnant woman as life partner and as a business colleague, the best advice I can give is to give her a wide berth. You won’t win any points with the boss complaining about it and you won’t win any discussions with this person. Her body is putting her through a lot and the best you can do is provide as much understanding as possible (and stay out of her way when she seems especially moody).
Look at the bright side, if she is normally a decent person to work with, maybe she will go back to her old ways in a few months. Well, maybe not, if she has to go through sleep deprivation with a newborn.
Hoping that she has a happy and healthy baby and that you have the patience you need to cope with her as a coworker during this diffcult time!
Jerry
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry,
A friend of mine recently joined a group called Scientology. This friend then invited me to take a free personality test with this group. Later I did some research, finding many websites that described Scientology as a controversial and dangerous cult. One website [reference removed] describes the many deaths apparently caused by Scientology. My friend has told me not to worry, those deaths are not the doing of the church. They were very sick people often taking their own lives. The abuses of Psychology are great and many people kill themselves while in psychiatric care. My friend tells me if I did enough research any group would appear as controversial and dangerous.
What advice can you give me and if I need to help my friend out of this group what should I tell him?
Jerry’s Response:
Two questions for you:
1. How do you feel Scientology differs from all other cults, such as Christianity?
2. What business is it of yours what beliefs your friend has?
A lot of people in this world follow cults. I have a few friends who are “born again” and I don’t worry about their cult, as long as they don’t try to convert me.
I would suggest that you worry about your own beliefs and leave your friend to figure out his.
Good luck with your own journey.
Your Concern:
Dear Jerry,
My biological clock is telling me it’s time to start a family (I’m 35) but my partner keeps saying he is not ready. We are both in good jobs so we have the accumulated resources to finance time spent in child-rearing. Should I just get pregnant without telling him and claim it’s an ‘accident’ or keep insisting. Time is running out. What do I do?
Jerry’s Response:
The first thing that comes to mind as I read about your concern is the question of whether your partner wants to have a child with you, but is just worried about something (finances, his ability to be a good father, etc) or if your partner doesn’t want to have kids at all. If your partner doesn’t want to have kids at all and you really do want kids, then I would suggest finding this out and then packing your bags. On the other hand, if your partner is worried about what kind of dad he will be, whether his job will be secure enough for him to help pay for another mouth to feed or similar concerns, then these are things that the two of you can sit down together and discuss. It seems that the big issue at the moment is what he really wants and you won’t know what he wants, if you don’t sit down and have a serious talk. Sit him down and get some answers that you are satisfied with. As far as getting pregnant and claiming it is an “accident”, do you want a relationship with your partner that is built on such deception? Do you want to bring a child into the world who may not be wanted by its father? You need to have a serious discussion with your partner and if you can’t seem to get the answers you need from him, maybe the two of you could visit a counsellor.
I hope you have the chance to be a mother with a partner who shares your excitement for parenthood.
Your Concern:
I have a problem. My first wife and I had 4 kids and 3 miscarriages. After we had our final child – all boys – we decided that we would not try for anymore. My wife did not want to have surgery so I agreed to have a vasectomy. At the time this was not a problem as I was happily married and planned to stay that way. Turns out my wife had other ideas and a couple of years later started to have an affair which eventually lead to her taking the kids and moving out. I took some time to recover from this but have now met a wonderful new lady and we have been together for about a year and a half. She is younger than I am and has started to talk about having a family of our own – she has no children but wants 2 or 3. The problem is my vasectomy – she does not know I have had the “snip” and I am afraid to tell her after all this time. What should I do??
Jerry’s Response:
The first question I had as I read your question – and most likely the first question your partner will have – is “Why didn’t you tell her before now about your vasectomy?” My guess is that she is going to be quite upset not only that you have had this procedure, but that you haven’t told her about it already. Most couples discuss during dating whether or not they want children. You have no real choice but to tell her and you really should do so as soon as possible. You also need to consider whether you would want to try for a reversal of your vasectomy, whether you want more kids, etc. The first issue, though, is to tell her and see how she copes with this news. Your keeping this information from your partner could create serious trust issues and even if she seems willing to forgive and stay together, I would make sure that the two of you have dealt with any resentment over this, before thinking of the possibility of a reversal of your vasectomy and having kids together. She has every right to be upset and if you want to stay with her, you are going to have to deal with whatever emotional damage your keeping this information from her will cause.
“Ask Ann Landers” is a traditional advice column in the USA, whose columnists have included Ruth Crowley and from 1955 to 2002, Eppie Friedman. Published in newspapers through the US, Ask Ann Landers provided advice for millions over many decades. Eppie’s articles were, on occassion, controversial.
Your Concern:
Hi Jerry,
help me please!! My wife says she is going to leave me if I do not get rid of my pet pot-bellied pig (Alice). She says she is sick of it always getting in the way and coming between us. This just isn’t true, I have already made compromises with her and now Alice sleeps on the floor and not in the bed with us on Friday and Saturday nights. I even feed her on the floor in the kitchen now instead of at the table with us. I mean what more does my wife want from me. Alice is a simple little soul and wouldn’t hurt a fly. She just loves company and is a great companion. My wife doesn’t seem to understand as she works quite a bit and is away from the house at least 6 days a week from about 6am to about 7pm. As for me I am at home all day everyday as I got laid off from my job at the local supermarket two years ago (last August) and haven’t been able to face the fear of trying to get another job since. Alice understands me and keeps me company. help me please jerry, you are my only hope.
Jerry’s Response:
Alice can’t remain a substitute for human companionship and your other needs for long. I would recommend having a big fry-up for breakfast tomorrow, with a big side of bacon, courtesy of Alice. Clean up your house, kiss your wife, plan a weekend away with your wife, go look for another job and try to find other ways to fill the gap in your life in which you have placed a pig.
Enjoy the bacon and good luck!
Your Concern:
My parents want me to go to university but I want to spend a few years traveling the world. They think that if I don’t start now, it will be more difficult for me to start my studies later. I think I can start studying anytime and I want to travel while I am young and can enjoy it. They are threatening to cut off all money to me. They are so selfish!
[Anon]
Jerry’s Response:
If you want to travel the world instead of continuing your education, then you should expect to have to pay your way yourself. Why shouldn’t your parents “cut off all money” to you? Get a job and finance your own dreams.
You should consider yourself lucky that your parents are encouraging you to go to college and that they are willing to help finance this. Many people aren’t fortunate enough to have such support.
Pick yourself up out of the self-pity you are wallowing in and either get a job to save for your travels or sign yourself up for university. Also, it might seem like you are “young” now and won’t be young enough to enjoy your travels when you finish university. but nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, you will be better able to appreciate what you see in this big and beautiful world, after you have filled your head with history, literature, languages, cultural studies, etc.
Your parents are not selfish, you are. Now go pack your bags for college.
Jerry